Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sorry for the silence

I haven't disappeared from blogdom- life has become a huge appointment shedule- with our beautiful girl back & forward into hospital & having anesthetics, tests, MRI's, lumbar punctures, seizures & general hardships from this awful encephalitis.

We have had celebrations that have bought joy too: we have all had birthdays- lil C turned FOUR in march!! (yay & we celebrated at home- her 2nd birthday ever that she actually was not in a hospital for!!) our other sweet DD turned 14 & Dh & I also had birthdays in April- so we have over indulged in cake & worked a few long overdue smiles & lighthearted fun in too!

Another milestone was DH & I celebrated 18 years of marriage last week, I have been really challenged to look at my family relationships as special- to celebrate the everyday & not underestimate the value of the ordinary.

Life is tough, it hurts, it is time to bring happiness & laughter to our home -on purpose! -especially when inside I want to weep.
I'm finding it too easy to say "I cant face it- I
hurt- I won't bother" but the "thief comes to steal, kill & destroy" (Jn 10:10)

In fact, I'm letting go of an important part of Gods plan for my life in surrendering my joy- because Jesus said "He came that we may ENJOY life" & So I am choosing to LOOK for opportunities to find joy even if my heart is breaking.
Spending time quietly before the Lord I realise that I struggle with fear & trust- that not having all the answers To my lil girls illness is such a barrier that puts me into cycles of reasoning, planning , manipulating (trying to get Drs/specialists to see us & help her & to get the clinic that she needs close by with the right therapist takes every organizational, sweet talking skill I have & then some - medical practices have a " way" all of their own & when you are desperate they are VERY frustrating.! But when I stop I'm exhausted & I am saddened by how much I do in my own steam- my fear takes away my faith. I am so small & I I don't see as the Father sees & so Most of my worries that I lay at His feet I grab back again & instead of trusting -I worry.

I wrote out a statement that I have made up to remind me- my motto if you will- from that time facing my fears with the Father:

"if we could see as God sees:
our worries would turn to trust
& our fears would turn to dust"
I forget this quickly & worry again, but I am going to keep reminding myself & turn those fears to dust!!
Hugs all xx
In His Grace,